Light at the End of the Tunnel

Well, after my post last week I feel a bit embarrassed.  Now that the storm has passed I feel like I made it out to be way worse than it was.  So first, I apologize for my dramatics.  Haha.  Okay, well this week was better than the last.  I got a haircut.  It looks almost exactly the same, but it feels better and I had them thin it way out so my hair would no longer try to eat my face.  So that was a refreshing little change.  Other than that, in some places things have gotten worse and in others they've gotten better.  For instance one of our recent converts has completely dropped off the radar and will no longer answer our calls or come to church, but another recent convert who we had been trying to get in contact with since I first came to Douliu met up with us and came to church with us for the first time yesterday.  I also found out that due to a newly implemented mission rule I will no longer be able to teach my Advanced English Class students.  I super love all of them and was quite seriously depressed for a while when I found out.  I am moving to teach the little kids class with Sister Ting.  So, I guess we'll see how that goes.  But, a good thing that happened was being able to meet a few new people at a YSA Fiesta activity at the church.  I hope that we will be able to meet up with some of the new people we met.  

Some things that just made me smile.

The Elders told us about a place called La Maison that sold a dish with with a lot of melted cheese.  I love cheese.

Yeh Zhanglao drew all of us.  For some reason us Sisters have some alter-ego or amped transformation version of ourselves as well...  

Today we went and helped He mama do some of her Guo Nian cleaning.  I love He MAMA!!!

Take it a day at a time.  Learn the gospel.  Live the gospel.  Love the gospel.  :]

Sister Hsu

And the waterworks continue.

So, after last week, I thought I had gotten better and was all gung-ho and ready to go.  Lo and behold there was much more lying beneath the surface.  One little trigger and the wall I had built that kept all negative thoughts at bay was smashed to smithereens.  I quite literally felt like my sanity was hanging on by a thread.  The hours that went by were like a roller coaster.  One moment I'm thinking I'm the worst ever and there is no point in being here, the next I'm laughing and thinking I can do it, then after that I'm hating Chinese and the fact that my brain can't learn it.  These sorts of emotional ups-and-downs were exhausting in themselves, let alone the creeping feelings of inadequacy, inability to do the work, and uselessness.  All combined I was a crying mess so in order to continue on without a constant stream of tears running down my face, somewhere in my head I put up some sort of emotional block that basically shut off my my emotions.  So, I was no longer sad, stress or frustrated.  I just wasn't feeling anything.  But, in doing so, I'm told my personality had warped a bit and seemed more like a robot than a human being.  

Luckily that night we were going to have a meeting with all the missionaries and the  Branch mission leader.  The moment I thought about asking for a priesthood blessing I felt a wave of emotions rush through me.  I suppose that just the thought of being able to find some relief from my burdens made me want to cry.  Anyways after a few hours I was able to receive the most beautiful and inspired priesthood blessing from one of our Douliu Elders.  I felt the presence of the spirit and the love that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me so strongly, more so than anytime previously in my life.  As the blessing was being given, it was slowly addressing all the things that had been a source of stress or concern since I came out to Douliu.  I would even ask questions and for additional help in my heart and as soon as I finished a thought, the blessing gave me an answer and immediate comfort.  I was told several times in that blessing that "He wants you to know that He loves you and cares about you" over and over such things were being said, and every time I felt His love for me grow stronger.  I feel like this may have been my first experience truly feeling my Heavenly Fathers love for me.  I feel like before I had "known" and understood that He loved me, but more through logic.  Such as, I almost got hit by that car, but didn't, so Heavenly Father loves me and is watching over me"  sort of thing.  But now I can say that I not only know, but I have felt my Heavenly Fathers love for me, and it was so strong that my heart and soul could hardly contain the love He was giving to me.  My whole body felt encompassed in warmth, peace and comfort.  I hope that all will do what they can and go to Him truly broken and having full faith in His ability to help you and also be open to the fact that He loves you.  Know it, feel it and accept it.  

I know the past few letters have been fairly depressing and seemingly a way for me to vent frustrations, but I hope all of you get out of it what I do.  That is to always rely on our Savior and Heavenly Father.  Go to Him, ask of Him and He will answer.  

My little miracle of the week:

On the way to XiLuo(about an hour bike ride) I got a flat tire on my bike.  How is this a miracle?  Let me explain.  We had just gotten to a large intersection that is the divide between the small town of Citong and no-mans-land (basically fields, farms and nothing) when my back wheel started bumping really intensely.  So I finish crossing the intersection, get off my bike and find a wonderfully flat tire.  I was so shocked.  I thought how? and why now?  I was still fighting my emotional turmoil and could not believe this was happening.  My companion saw and said, "well at least we are still near the town and not in the middle of nowhere"  This comment is probably what saved me.  I immediately thought, "She's right, and there is that bike that I always see right at the edge of town."  So we walked our way back into town, went a few blocks and found the bike shop exactly where I remembered it.  Turns out my companion had no idea there was one and was actually concerned about there being one in such a small town.  But, I absolutely knew there was one and knew exactly where it was because every time we would ride back to Douliu I would take notice of it.  It was 5:30pm on a Sunday night and luckily they were still open.  This is probably the first time I was so happy that the people in Taiwan work ALL the time.  Luckily I just had to replace that inner air tube thing in my tire and then we were back on the road.

Next part of the miracle was that we had left home 30 minutes early with the intention of arriving early to talk to the family a bit before the Elders arrived for the planned FHE, but after this whole little fiasco we ended up getting there exactly on time and the Elders said they were going to be a little late.  So everything turned out alright in the end.

BASICALLY:  Flat Tire Miracle

1: It occurred near a town.

2: I knew exactly where the bike shop was.

3: We left early, so we ended up making exactly on time.

YAY!

Oh yea, in all the craziness we also had our Harry Potter themed English Party.  That was cool.  

Alright, well I think that's all for now.

Sister Hsu

Hmmm... A week of stress I suppose...

This week was... interesting.  I had my first official mental breakdown this week.  I thought I was feeling alright.  I mean I was definitely stressed, but it didn't feel like it was too bad.  I mean the night before my breakdown I had a small episode during language study when i suddenly hated the language, didn't want to learn it anymore and just wanted to sleep and never wake up.  But after I expressed it to my companion, I thought I felt better and that was that.  But then, while working on 12 weeks with my companion the next morning I just started crying, and for a long time.  Hahaha.  It was like all of a sudden I realized that I was suppressing just about everything I was feeling about the work of a missionary and it was just all released in one go.  Honestly, the work isn't all that bad.  Everything is just a little bit hard and a little bit uncomfortable.  But, I suppose having everything a do all day long be just a little hard and uncomfortable added up to being really stressful and really hard on me.  After reading our little "How to Manage Stress"  booklet, I realized the signs were there, I just hadn't noticed.  My sleep had been getting worse, my body hurt, and my stomach was always in a state of "not quite happy."  I'm currently still trying to find good ways of relieving all my but it's been a thing of trial and error.  So, Right now, I suppose I'm happy, but always trying to keep my emotions in check so that I don't randomly just want to shut-down and not do anything.  The work must go on!

Other than that, things have been good.  :]  We had a Zone Training Meeting on Tuesday in Jiayi.  It was pretty cool and quite informative.  Our District is focusing on trying to be turned into a stake.  So, in Zone meeting they said they officially want us to focus and helping less-active members come back to church.  Which is good, because that is what we have been doing, but it definitely felt like our efforts weren't contributing to turning the District into a Stake because they need active priesthood holders.  That had put me into a slump.  I didn't want to be in Douliu and feel like I had not contributed anything to the work.  So I prayed.  I prayed for the Lord to help me be able to strengthen our District and have it be turned into a strong Stake.  The day after and to this day I now have random males come up and ask what we are doing, and say they was to know more about the church, or they ask for our gospel tracts.  Granted, if any of them become investigators they would be having lessons with the Elders, but I don't care.  This has been an answer to my prayer.  

Something cool:  I finished reading Our Heritage: A brief history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It was super good.  I encourage all to read it.  No worries.  It's short and a pretty quick read.  :]

Okay, well, I think that's all.  

Sister Hsu

P.S. Yes, I know I've gained weight... I'm working on it.  It's just so hard!  The food is so good!  But no worries, it's my goal that when I go home, I will be no more than 10lbs heavier than when I started.  Hahaha.

P.P.S.  Carrefour: I was so excited to go inside and take a look, that it was a little bit sad.  Basically,  I large supermarket type place gives me the same amount of excitement as going to a theme park for the first time.  Oh and the other photo was for Chen JM (Jiemei) birthday.  Love her.  :]

First time in a new city

I had my first Sister exchange on Tuesday to Wednesday.  I went to Tainan and was companions with one of our Sister Training Leaders, Sister Liu.  I got a bit of a shock coming out of the train station.  There were so many cars, motorbikes, bicycles and people!  I'd only really ever been in Douliu, which is probably one of the smallest main cities I'd ever seen, so I was definitely a little bit shell shocked by all the hustle and bustle and huge buildings and blinking lights all over the place.  Then, I was to pretty quickly get onto a bike and ride through all of that mess to an appointment with one of their eternal investigators.  I thought Douliu at night on a weekend was scary...  Tainan is on a whole different level.  Not to mention, the bike I was on belonged to a Sister who is leaving in a few weeks, and the bike itself was passed down to her, so it was kind of falling apart, made weird noises and the chain kept popping.  It was a very interesting ride. Hahaha.  The best part of the exchange I think would be being able to see the teaching techniques of a different Sister.  That, and I think may be the fact that I knew I would most likely not ever see the investigators I was teaching again made it so that I was able to say a lot more in lessons without the fear of messing it up, and resulting in the person never wanting to meet again.  I was also able to street contact a little bit easier as well.  This may sound a little bad, but I think because of the fact that I knew it was not my home city and that I would most likely never see any one I meet ever again, I was able to more easily contact and say whatever came to mind, instead of being too nervous to say anything.  Having the experience showed me it was possible for me to do such things, I just have to transfer that confidence and fearlessness to the work I'm doing in Douliu.  JIA YOU!

Another cool thing that happened was between my companion and I.  Up to this point we really haven't had any problems that could be considered problems with each other.  Our companionship inventories are always constructive and useful.  But, something happened this past week where we were both trying to explain something to the other and we were just getting more and more confused and frustrated with how we both couldn't get on the same page but, we talked it out until we figured it out and worked it out.  Turned out we were both trying to express the same idea to each other, we were just both doing it in a way that the other person couldn't quite understand.  I just love that we both were able to continue to try and work it out and find out the source of our frustration and mis-communication as opposed to just saying "bah!  Whatever, we'll figure it out later."  when in reality the damage has been done and been left to get worse.  Moral of the story:  I Love My Companion!  :]

As for how the work is going...  I suppose it's going, although personally it doesn't really feel like it.  We still don't really have any investigators and the people we contact don't want to meet.  As for the less-actives we've been meeting, currently it feels like we are helping them take steps in the right direction, but it will still be quite awhile before they actually come back, if they ever do.  We've discovered that a certain portion of our less-actives didn't have a testimony in this gospel to begin with.  When we ask how they got to the point of baptism, it just doesn't make any sense.  Through these experiences I have made a promise to myself to never think to baptize someone as a number no matter what might be going on in the mission.  If one of my investigators gets baptized it will be because they have a testimony, and they know they have a testimony.  Meeting these Sisters and realizing that as members of the church they are still completely ignorant to the eternal truths and happiness of the gospel is just too sad.

Latest dilemma:  I've been eating waaaaay too much and pretty frequently feel like vomiting it all back out.  How am I going to survive Guo Nian (Chinese New Year)...

Most recent source of stress outside of Phase 1:  Meetings.  This past week I had 2 hours straight of meetings with members and became increasingly frustrated with the fact that I had no idea what they were talking about.  (I can't recognize names or the things they discuss about each of the names.)

Cool finds:  Found some rubber rain flats.  YAY!  And I found some pretty KuaZhang glasses to protect my eyes from the wind for our rides to Xiluo.  We went there yesterday, and they work!

Well I think that's all.  Everyone, Keep the Faith!  Read the Book of Mormon and find opportunities to bear your testimony of this gospel.  

Sister Hsu

P.S.  

So far I've written in my miracle journal every day.  How is your 2014 goal going?