And the waterworks continue.

So, after last week, I thought I had gotten better and was all gung-ho and ready to go.  Lo and behold there was much more lying beneath the surface.  One little trigger and the wall I had built that kept all negative thoughts at bay was smashed to smithereens.  I quite literally felt like my sanity was hanging on by a thread.  The hours that went by were like a roller coaster.  One moment I'm thinking I'm the worst ever and there is no point in being here, the next I'm laughing and thinking I can do it, then after that I'm hating Chinese and the fact that my brain can't learn it.  These sorts of emotional ups-and-downs were exhausting in themselves, let alone the creeping feelings of inadequacy, inability to do the work, and uselessness.  All combined I was a crying mess so in order to continue on without a constant stream of tears running down my face, somewhere in my head I put up some sort of emotional block that basically shut off my my emotions.  So, I was no longer sad, stress or frustrated.  I just wasn't feeling anything.  But, in doing so, I'm told my personality had warped a bit and seemed more like a robot than a human being.  

Luckily that night we were going to have a meeting with all the missionaries and the  Branch mission leader.  The moment I thought about asking for a priesthood blessing I felt a wave of emotions rush through me.  I suppose that just the thought of being able to find some relief from my burdens made me want to cry.  Anyways after a few hours I was able to receive the most beautiful and inspired priesthood blessing from one of our Douliu Elders.  I felt the presence of the spirit and the love that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me so strongly, more so than anytime previously in my life.  As the blessing was being given, it was slowly addressing all the things that had been a source of stress or concern since I came out to Douliu.  I would even ask questions and for additional help in my heart and as soon as I finished a thought, the blessing gave me an answer and immediate comfort.  I was told several times in that blessing that "He wants you to know that He loves you and cares about you" over and over such things were being said, and every time I felt His love for me grow stronger.  I feel like this may have been my first experience truly feeling my Heavenly Fathers love for me.  I feel like before I had "known" and understood that He loved me, but more through logic.  Such as, I almost got hit by that car, but didn't, so Heavenly Father loves me and is watching over me"  sort of thing.  But now I can say that I not only know, but I have felt my Heavenly Fathers love for me, and it was so strong that my heart and soul could hardly contain the love He was giving to me.  My whole body felt encompassed in warmth, peace and comfort.  I hope that all will do what they can and go to Him truly broken and having full faith in His ability to help you and also be open to the fact that He loves you.  Know it, feel it and accept it.  

I know the past few letters have been fairly depressing and seemingly a way for me to vent frustrations, but I hope all of you get out of it what I do.  That is to always rely on our Savior and Heavenly Father.  Go to Him, ask of Him and He will answer.  

My little miracle of the week:

On the way to XiLuo(about an hour bike ride) I got a flat tire on my bike.  How is this a miracle?  Let me explain.  We had just gotten to a large intersection that is the divide between the small town of Citong and no-mans-land (basically fields, farms and nothing) when my back wheel started bumping really intensely.  So I finish crossing the intersection, get off my bike and find a wonderfully flat tire.  I was so shocked.  I thought how? and why now?  I was still fighting my emotional turmoil and could not believe this was happening.  My companion saw and said, "well at least we are still near the town and not in the middle of nowhere"  This comment is probably what saved me.  I immediately thought, "She's right, and there is that bike that I always see right at the edge of town."  So we walked our way back into town, went a few blocks and found the bike shop exactly where I remembered it.  Turns out my companion had no idea there was one and was actually concerned about there being one in such a small town.  But, I absolutely knew there was one and knew exactly where it was because every time we would ride back to Douliu I would take notice of it.  It was 5:30pm on a Sunday night and luckily they were still open.  This is probably the first time I was so happy that the people in Taiwan work ALL the time.  Luckily I just had to replace that inner air tube thing in my tire and then we were back on the road.

Next part of the miracle was that we had left home 30 minutes early with the intention of arriving early to talk to the family a bit before the Elders arrived for the planned FHE, but after this whole little fiasco we ended up getting there exactly on time and the Elders said they were going to be a little late.  So everything turned out alright in the end.

BASICALLY:  Flat Tire Miracle

1: It occurred near a town.

2: I knew exactly where the bike shop was.

3: We left early, so we ended up making exactly on time.

YAY!

Oh yea, in all the craziness we also had our Harry Potter themed English Party.  That was cool.  

Alright, well I think that's all for now.

Sister Hsu