Time is really such a strange thing here at the MTC. It feels like it is going so slowly and yet at the same time it feels like the day to depart for Taiwan is coming so quickly. All the days mix together and since I don't have my journal with me (forgot it, again) I will do my best to try and give a good overview of the things that have been happening.
In terms of interesting things that happened, Shawn Casey(I don't know if that's how you spell his name) the assistant to John Kerry(Yup that guy in our government) came by our class to see what it was like learning a language in the MTC. It was very random, but cool I suppose. As for who came to speak last week for Tuesday Devotional, it was L. Tom Perry but I missed it because my companion was sick. :( Well, life throws you curve balls every once and a while right? Other than that I would have to say that last week was a pretty bumpy one.
Okay, it was a really bumpy one. I was experiencing something so intense that I was thinking if something wasn't done to remedy the situation soon, I'd just have to go home. It was hard thinking that way of course, because I KNOW this is where I'm supposed to be. But, the situation was quite volatile so it was definitely something I was thinking about. In the end what changed everything for me? The Atonement.
I was walked through the process by a wonderful teacher, Sister Okada. Truly, without her, I don't know how things would have ended. She very patiently, kindly and following the promptings of the Spirit was able to facilitate guided discussion that showed to me the power of the Atonement. I had always heard and had been taught and was even teaching that the Atonement is for everything. It's not just for sins. If you have any desire to change in any way, the Atonement can and will help you do it if you only allow it to.
Through the Atonement, I felt the wounds that had been inflicted upon me by others as well as by myself be healed. I felt my heart become light and full of love and desire to become more like Christ and want to forgive and become better. I'm not saying it was an instantaneous thing. It was over an hour of trying to want to open my heart to the Savior so that he could help heal me and take away my burdens. But, I felt it. The moment my heart wanted to trust in Him, I could feel his love and His desire to help me and I felt my emotions become raw. I started to sob harder than before and I felt the pain so fully, as if the dampeners that I had put on my emotions in order to lessen the pain was suddenly removed. If I had to compare, I'd say the pain in my heart had definitely become much worse than when we had first started. I could feel all my pain, anger, frustration, sadness and feelings of hopelessness being drawn out of me and even though it hurt so badly, I could feel each of them slowly being taken from me. The pain dulled and I felt the burden on my mind and heart be lifted.
By the end I no longer wanted to run away. I wanted to make amends. I wanted to be able to love and forgive and become better. I of course still remembered everything that had happened in the past, but instead of feeling bad about it, it felt like a distant memory. I can't say it was an instant remedy because even at this point in time, even though there is love, there are times I find myself second guessing my decision because I don't want to be hurt again. But, it's a quick thought and I immediately will it away. I know how the Lord wants me to be and I am doing all I can to become that kind of person. It's a pretty herculean task when I think about it in the long run, but then remind myself that I just need to take it one step at a time, a day at a time and know that every time I make a mistake, become lost and need to overcome, that the Lord is there with a helping hand, willing and ready to lift me up. I just need to let Him.
I'm really sorry if parts of that didn't make a lot of sense. I don't have much time to go back and word it all properly, but just know that, life was hard, I was about to break to pieces, but the Atonement of Christ saved me and I was really able to grow from this experience. I encourage all to take the time to try and understand your relationship with the Savior.
Okay, well that's all I think. Tootles!
Sister Hsu
P.S. I finished the Book of Mormon, now I can start over. :]
P.P.S. I leave for Taiwan in 16 days.
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